I’ve spent my entire life trying to fix myself. I was 4, starring out the window watching my father get taken away in a car with flashing lights, my mother hiding inside, I thought to myself “I must fix this.” Instead of talking I would sit in corners and disregard others conversations. I was timid and almost afraid of confrontation of any kind. Now, I am not much different. I was 10 and we went to Disney World. Look at the photos from that day and you won’t find a single smile. Proof that every vacation was a mild form of torture. I was 12 and I wrote a letter to Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen telling them how much fun we’d have if we were all sisters. If my mom could just marry their dad. As if it could ever be that easy. I was 14 and I begged my mom to move to Orlando so I could try out for All That. I was 15 and while we drove cross country I hid under my blanket in the back seat listening to Avril Lavigne’s debut album crying and thinking that finally someone knew how I felt about life.
I don’t remember ever having dreams or aspirations. I guess I grew up thinking I could never amount to anything real or impressive. I was always told none of my friends really care about me and the only people I could depend on are my own family. Although I knew none of that was true it still killed a little piece of me inside every time I thought about it. All I can remember is the negativity which has molded me throughout my entire life. The negativity I can’t seem to escape. The negativity that’s killing me still, 20 years later.
I told you that I wanted to run away from here. That it’s bringing me down more than ever. That I’ve never been this sad and that I don’t belong here and never have. You told me “there’s no geographical solution to an emotional problem” and I want to believe it. I really do. But if that’s true then I see no hope in the future. I don’t care how weak it makes me, I want to run far from this place. I want to forget everything and fill my mind with new memories. I don’t care if they’re all sad memories. But I need something different. I need to challenge myself. Here, I am in limbo. Constantly living between feeling false hope every now and then and feeling a cloud of sadness constantly floating above my body.
These are things that I know. But now I also know how important it is that I change. If I can’t change where I live [for now] I will work on changing how I think and react. Above all, stop complaining and start living.