The last time I felt like this much of a child I was blowing out he candles on my 6th birthday cake and now I feel 6 again about to turn 25 wondering when I will stop feeling so comfortable doing nothing and stand up and move around when I don’t have to and when I’ll stop being afraid of you or me or the world. when the thought of change won’t make my face break down and sob from so deep inside that I can feel the outline of my stomach as I cough and try to rid my body of the feeling. When I’ll carry my own weight and grow up. I wonder what growing up feels like. If I’ll know somehow. Will I feel something? Wake up one day and just know? Will I look different, speak differently? Will it be a swift transition or will it feel as rough as the stormy seas my mind has only imagined? As a child on the shore of the warm beach the tides would trap me and hold me and I remember feeling so close to death and having no breath. But I remember little about anything except making sure I could swim up from the tides strong grasp. No thoughts of responsibility. No endless analyzations and questions. My brain was not one big circle but a tornado that expands as you float up its path and every layer opens your eyes a bit wider. But what happens when you reach the top? When you’re up so high you fall from one side and find yourself at the very bottom again where nothing makes sense and you can still slightly remember the feeling of being at the top and being free to go any way you’d like. Just know what ever path you choose it always leads back to the bottom unless you find the wind that helps you float back up.
7 notes 3 months ago